1.4.14

Butterfly Emerging and Breaking Free



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AUeM8MbaIk

I feel like a monarch butterfly emerging ......right now......I'm in the "cracking open" "getting a breath of fresh air" "dizzy as hell......breaking loose from all that which squeezed the breath out of me!" sort of release. 

As freeing as it is.....and I know it is......I'm also somewhat disoriented......in taking a new form of existence to everything I've experienced as reality for a long time

Written by Debora Kesley

27.3.14

Joy Unspeakable



















Joy.

The happy, goofy smile that spreads across my face at the strangest of times.

A warm tear that spills down my cheek, representing an emotion that has no words to describe.

Hot, fire-like breath is what I breathe in... followed by the cool water, spring-like release in what I blow out.

Joy is the intellect that declares “its finally all good.”

A free-spirited  "happy dance" in my heart that sings of my release!

Touchable, like a bank statement that expresses “SAFE” or a huge bill stamped PIF !

Joy…..unspeakable joy ………the moment when all things come together for good that is definable and recognizable in the eye of the beholder.

A journey where the total contrast of despair meets joy and joy begins to have it's day at the river of life which flows within the innermost parts of my being.

Flowing.  

Relaxing. 

Moving down steam with ease, grace, freedom and the knowing that all is well.

Like “God force” living in me and through me as the “real me” that has come home to snuggle in the lap of my Creator for a long awaited moment of peace and rest.

Joy.

Joy Unspeakable.

And so it is.


Written by Debbie Kesley @  http://www.ccpmsblues.blogspot.com

20.3.14

Woman Rising




Woman Rising............Gracefully crossing over from the old to the new.

The winds of the old behind her and the pull of the future blowing through her hair.

She has the wings of the Spirit world guiding her 


and


the pull of the unknown calling her out beyond her comfort zone.

She is A Woman 


Rising .....


above the odds, 


beyond the past 


and into the future. 

She is a woman rising............




Written by Debbie Kesley

Artwork by Nathalie Villeneuve (with permission)

24.1.14

Power Plays...

Wonder Woman…………



.........................................................................OR.....................................Mother Teresa



Which represents true power for you? 

If you could choose…………which choice would be your choice?

Power is an amazing force for those of us who are in tune to the Universe.  Some of us may grow up without a sense of power at all.  Some of us may find ourselves in our adult lives in a place of religious doctrine which deems our thoughts as un-submissive or ungodly. 

Some of us may gain a lot of weight to shield ourselves from our authority/father figures.  Some of us may disconnect by throwing ourselves into a career or church activity.

What represents true power for you?

Why?

This past year in my personal life has been about regaining my power…..my voice….redeeming those things that were stolen from me and restoring my name and credibility. 

If you have ever been in a place of pure vulnerability and then in a place of restoration, there may come a feeling of power…..then justice…….but for me…………..now has come a feeling of responsibility, more so than ever.

I think there is a place where we need to be a Wonder Woman…….stand up….make your presence and strength known to your enemies but at that time of clear recognition we must; I believe, go back into the power inside of us for good, and become again a servant at heart to those we are drawn to in our experiences.

Personally I want to be like Wonder Woman against those that conspire to do evil against me by standing in my truth, energy, innate sense of right from wrong and always do the best I can for others; and yet never forgetting to give that best to myself.

Mother Theresa is an image of humbleness and gentleness that is never the less as powerful.  I also want to have that quality of listening to the voice of God calling me to a particular person to bring love and healing.  To influence and change the course of another human being is very powerful and sometimes it comes through the simplest acts of kindness.

What represents true power for you?

Why?



Written by Debbie Kesley










31.12.13

2014 My Journey My Way


"Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."
Brad Paisley  

This past year may have totally SUCKED for you.  Every day to show up for work or to look for work may have been all that you could do.  Maybe you lost a loved one to death or divorce.  Maybe your body is changing in ways that challenge your Spirit to its core.  I get that ....all of it. 

Now I'm going to let you in on a little secret.  

It took me 8 years to accomplish.

I didn't eat out, and only bought the very basic clothes for 8 years.

I did not take dance lessons for 8 years or pay to go on a vacation of any sort.

I humbly stayed in other friend’s and family’s homes many times for free or very little as I looked for employment.

This 8 year journey started the day my spouse of 23 years walked out without any warning.  My family of four that I had built with my heart and given my entire adult life to since the age of 19, was forever changed by the one person on the face of the earth who had sworn to love and keep me.  My personal 9-11 had blown up around me and all I could do was cry a lot, move one of my two kids with me to a different home, cry some more, smash some wedding china, get counseling and get a job.
My work experience to that point had been home school wife and mother with 1 year office experience. 

This 8 year journey also came smack-dab at the beginning of the worst economy and hopes for a job America has seen in a long time.

HEY………….THAT WAS EASY COMPARED TO………………

Another unexpected gift I was given.  

Since age 19 I had innocently and ignorantly signed “married filing jointly” and after the divorce I learned I was the proud co-owner of a substantial IRS debt.

And so the journey began.

About 1 year after the divorce I put the Kleenex box down, stopped bawling, shaking with dread and started getting in touch with the IRS.  I was innocent….surely we could work something out…right?

Several months were spent attempting to claim Innocent Spouse Relief.  I was honest….provided my banking account information, my new job information and guess what?   The IRS said “no” and went to levy my last job and took the money from my checking account.  They did stay in touch with many follow up letters.

Next, I hired an attorney who printed off government forms, charged me quite a bit of money and basically said “go get ‘em Tiger”!  I invested about two solid weeks (unemployed at the time) filling out paperwork, applying for tax records and such.  
Again, I was innocent, this was NOT my responsibility and I had a legal document honored by the State that declared so.  The IRS said “no” and sent an IRS Officer to my door with a new package to fill out. 

I called the Officer the next day and set up an appointment to meet in Atlanta.  The paper work was filled out, usually over some wine and tissues while feeling really sorry for myself…..but I faced her anyway.  Waited for months and during that time got rejection after rejection letter and then a payment plan option that was ridiculous to attempt to accomplish on my earnings as an Administrative Temp.  Again, I had honestly given them my information.  This time they said “no” and seized the money from my account and bombarded me with nasty notes on a monthly basis.

Ah……the choice to become better or to become bitter was a daily dose of medicine to my soul.

I may be honest but I am also street-smart.  At this point the realization that honesty will get you a home in a cardboard box under a bridge when dealing with those with no integrity sank in.

Something in me wanted to clear my name more than anything.   So began my journey of strict financial living but more than that; a journey of the heart unfolded.

I had the rejection of a spouse.  Rejection of interview after interview in a tough economy multiplied with the IRS literally showing up at my door.  Looking back I honestly don’t know how I made it to fight one more time.

It took about 4 years to pull together the $3,750.00  to hire Freedom Tax Relief. And another year to save for the “Cash Offer In Compromise.”  I continued to fear that I would not get to my bank account fast enough before the IRS got to my check every pay day.  I feared opening the door to another IRS Officer.  I feared my job being levied again.  

This past year between Freedom Tax Relief and the support of my best friend I went one more final round of paper work and received the Release from the debt with my Offer In Compromise.

Was it fair that I had to take responsibility for a debt that was not legally mine in the moral or State of GA legal system?  No.

However, just like the Divorce, the IRS Debt was a tool that I could choose to dig my own grave with or dig my way out of the grave I was dumped into.

I dug out Baby!

I am stronger and wiser than ever before.  Yes, it called for emotional journeys that I often wondered if I would make it through.  It called for demanding that even if just in words, I would choose to speak forgiveness that was contrary to the feelings in my heart…..somehow I would learn to forgive because my kids and I are worth it.  

It took 3 times.  3 Different Battles!  

But I beat the IRS.  

I won.  
I’m free.  
My name has been restored.

I don’t scare that easy any more.  I even told one fellow bullying employee that if I could survive a divorce and survive the IRS I could survive him!

Freedom.
Release.
Strength.
Determination…..even if it is when you say to yourself out loud “Just breath damn it!”

Choices….every moment…..every day…..every month….year after year. 

Like a butterfly coming out of a tight cocoon, the journey squeezed me, wrapped me in darkness, left me lonely, impaired my vision to a world of light and beauty, and imprisoned those wings that were genetically created to fly until they were strong enough.

Struggle ……does not last forever.

I'm flying again!  My wings are developing, getting stronger and my eyes are adjusting to the many people, places and things of beauty that can be trusted to rest on and in.

This coming year 2014 will be the first year that I have not been a child in my parent’s home, or the wife of a man in charge of the finances.

Tomorrow begins the first year in my entire life that the book and the pen I have been given are new and fresh and only my name is embossed on the cover.  


As quoted by Brad Paisley, "Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."

Written by Debbie Kesley

10.12.13

....Quick - Quick......Slow, Slow

Fox Trot...quick -quick ......slow, slow............but the Tango must be earned!


A reminder from one of my favorite movies Take The Lead..........

a movie about the intricate dance of life where we learn respect, boundaries, trust and hope in something magical that is within reach for each of us despite the position we were born into or the lack of opportunities available to us up to this point in our life.

Our role is to decide to "show up!"

So, what are you showing up for?

Do you believe in anything magical?

What life music draws your Spirit forward to live and move and have your being?

Are you dancing ................or just shooting spit balls in the detention center of life?





24.11.13

Coming Home to Self for the Holidays

As we approach that time of year when we are bombarded with Hallmark Family shows depicting a perfect family, and
commercials of happy whole families eating feasts 
while smiling lovingly between each morsel of food, 
you may roll your eyes and call "Bull Crap!"

For some of us .......the children have grown up and the spouse has moved on to find himself elsewhere and every year we have a choice to make as we bring out the decorations.  A choice much bigger than how to decorate the mantle and a tree but rather, a choice of how to cherish the old memories while growing into the new world we have arrived in.

The pictures of our "babies" bring back mothering instincts that in some cases have no outlet for a season.  Memories run around in our minds similar to an island of misfit toys, as we transition back into the reality of our "babies" are now young adults with jobs to work and other relatives to divide their time and love with.

So we can choose to demand that Father Time give us back the life we recall and become bitter ...or...we can choose to change and be happy in those changes.

I had collected an angel every year for the Christmas tree and those were replaced with Elves that are uniquely me.  The 'traditional' holiday meals that were practiced for 23 years feel like an insult to my senses now that the family unit was no more, so I do something different every year in food.  The traditional "It's A Wonderful Life" has been replaced with "Elf" and the eggnog is generously spiked with Rum now that the children are adults.

I think we each have a choice as we face the holidays.  We can attempt to manipulate and demand that those we love share a particular day on the calendar with us or we can practice the acceptance of the variety of wonderful people who cross our paths after the Big D, or after our children are grown and be happy in the moments that we are graced with others who reach out to us as we redefine who we are.   

Going home for the holidays becomes a choice of turning from depression to moving towards all that represents coming home to ourselves.  It's time to let go......let go of preconceived ideas of what makes a "Great Thanksgiving" or a "Merry Christmas" and worry more about what about what makes an awesome and joyful ME that will draw our loved ones back over time and in the meanwhile silence the accusations that Santa has left the building and things will never be the same.


It's true - things will never be the same...........but that does not mean that they are bad...just different. As we come home to our true selves through every season of our life and we choose to focus on the good in each and every situation...
then the holiday spirit will be alive and well....as will we.

Go home.....to yourself......and find your happiness there and share it with anybody and everybody who would love to receive it....and in so doing new memories are made to cherish.